Get Your Punch On: Part 2

In part 1, you picked a martial art of choice and compiled a list of gyms in the area, now it's time to go for a look. The optimal time to visit is an hour or two after the end of the local work day. This is the time when the locals come to sweat out the work day. When you observe the class, keep the following criteria in mind.

Vibe
This is the easiest and one of the most important criteria to judge the martial arts studio. Are people conversing before the class starts? Are the people friendly? Is anyone smiling? Would you feel comfortable spending hours in this environment?

Unfortunately, the majority of the time the answer to these questions will be no, and the students will be coated with the distinct patina of douchbaggery. Flee the gym before it coats you too.

Is The Trainer a Fatty?
Don't trust a skinny chef and don't trust a fat trainer. Sure, fat guys can be good at martial arts, but a good trainer runs around on his feet all day long so even if he's cursed with fat cells the size of Tyra Banks' forehead, he will at worst be chubby. If the trainer can't kick above his waist and looks like fat Elvis straining over a toilet the place sucks.

The Respect Factor
The modern martial arts studio is not the Shoalin Temple, so all the "you must unconditionally respect and obey your master" bullshit has got to go. If the class constatly being interrupted for various forms of propriety, senior students chastizing newbies on the trainer's behalf, or any hazing of newer students occurs, it is a good indication that the trainers are more interested in self-aggrendizing than teaching. You're an adult, and you're paying for the training, so you don't owe the trainers any more respect or alliegence than they earn by being profesionals and decent people.

This is not to say that the class should not have a certain level of formality. Students should not interrupt the class, be required to wear a uniform, will probably bow upon entering the gym and salute (not the military solute, retard) their teacher before class. Other small rituals may occur signaling the students to leave their baggage behind and get to training. Basically, I could have summed up this section with four words: you want a balance.

Facilities
Do not train in the dinky storeroom of a Chinatown restraunt regardless of how "authentic" the training is. Again, you're paying for a service, and the gym should have enough self respect to pretty itself up for you. You didn't hit on that girl in the bar because of how authentic her "training" was, you hit on her because her tits were spilling out of a bandana she mistook for a tube top.

The gym should be clean, large enough for comfort, and well ventilated (so it smells like a hint of sack rather than a face full of taint). Weights, elipticals, and boxing rings are also a sign of quality.

Age
Be on the lookout for gyms with several young trainers. I know that this sounds counterintuitive since age does bring experience, but young trainers are a good sign of retention. Great martial arts studios recruit from inside the organization. Trainers start out as young talented students and are eventually hired as teachers after years of training. Young teachers mean that the studio was not only able to train somebody to an exceptional skill level, but inspire them to devote the rest of their lives to martial arts. Before you join a gym, ask the trainers how they got into martial arts and ended up where they are. If they started where they're currently training, get out your checkbook, pledge your first born child, and get your punch on.

Wrap Up
You might have noticed a conspicuous omission in this guide (if you didn't, that just proves my point even more), I never mentioned analyzing the actual technique being taught. There are two good reasons for this. First, I'm assuming that you're new to martial arts, so asking you to evaluate technique is like asking an aspie to explain emotions. Second, even if you could spot some tight-ass-shit (technical term), that's not what you'll be doing. You're going to be flopping around like a fish and getting your ass handed to you for weeks if not months. Don't worry, it will be fun, but for you starting the journey is more important than the destination (cue cheesy music).

- Stas

Get Your Punch On: Part 1

Want to get into shape and stop shitting yourself every time a stranger passes you at night? Watched UFC or some Discovery Channel martial arts special and considering entering the business of punching faces? I commend you sir/madam/other, but unfortunately, finding a good martial arts studio is harder than finding a baby at a Planned Parenthood. The problem is that without experience all martial arts generally look cool, so how do you distinguish face-melting awesomeness from Taekwondo?

Having read Will's last post you might be thinking, What qualifies this asshole to give me nutritional martial arts advice? I have a combined 13 years of training in Kung Fu, full contact kickboxing, Karate, Muay Thai, jujitsu, and Krav Maga. I’ve got black belts, stupid trophies, eyebrow scars, and can catch a fly with chopsticks. That out of the way, let’s find you a place to train in an unspecified number of easy steps!

Are you a douche?
Answer the question honestly. I’m talking to you drunk guy I threw out of the party. Stop telling me that you can kick my ass. If you could you’d be bouncing my head between your knees and fists while I cried in falsetto instead of trying to engage me in some cryptic simian chest-bumping ritual. If you regularly get into fights and constantly try to prove your manliness to an invisible cheering crowd, you don’t need martial arts. You and your ilk need to be deported to Elba where all of you can strut around like little Napoleons comparing penis sizes and having pushup contests. You make martial arts studios suck. Go away.

Not a douche? Then pick your poison.
There are dozens of martial arts to choose from, so which is the best for you? Here are a few possibilities:

Kung Fu: Kung Fu is my personal recommendation for beginners. It will expose you to a wide variety of techniques, the movements feel "natural" so you can develop very fluid movement and fighting technique, plus there is an inexhaustible amount of epic moves to learn. Jet Li, Jackie Chan, that’s all Kung Fu. In addition, swords, spears, staffs, fans and benches (!) are just some of the weapons you’ll have the opportunity to master.

Karate: Good for developing strength and resilience. Karate is more stiff and blocky than Kung Fu, but its philosophy is geared towards the one fight-ending technique. If becoming a human tank packing boomstick punches sounds like fun, this one’s for you.

Full Contact (kickboxing, Muay Thai, MMA): If you already have some martial arts experience, this will definitely step up your game. Full contact will transform you from a good technician into nut-stomping monstrosity. Take a few techniques, perfect them, then throw them as hard and fast as you can at the person facing you. The only drawback is that if you go this route with no previous experience your technique repertoire will be somewhat limited, so if you need a lot of variety, this is not for you.

Juijitsu: Like wrestling and submissions? Look no further. This is the most hardcore ground fighting there is.

Krav Maga: Want to transform yourself from wuss to raging rhino in a couple of months? Krav Maga is for you my friend. Pure unbridled, near psychotic aggression is what you’ll learn. Your technique repertoire will consist of biting off Adam's apples, pelvis-shattering groin kicks, joint breaks, head butts, and good old fashioned dirty fighting. None of it is pretty, but all of it extremely effective.

Taekwondo: DO NOT TAKE TAEKWONDO. This is not a martial art but sword-less fencing. But Stas, you say, what about all the pretty kicks? Those fancy kicks are useless in a fight. Furthermore, the lack of emphasis Taekwondo puts on hand technique and practical blocking means you’ve invested hundreds of dollars and countless hours at being really good at getting your ass kicked.

Can’t make a choice? You don’t have to! Just compile a list of your local studios and we’ll go comparison shopping next time. Stay tuned.

- Stas